6 May 2009

I refer you to my earlier posts on TV.

I watched broadcast TV at someone's house last night. The show in question was My Life As An Animal - it was fucking dire.

Rebecca Wilcox (presentin') smiles and explains the complex formula of the show (which helpfully, is in the title, so she doesn't have to do an awful lot). Terry Nutkins of The Really Wild Show fame is on hand as the 'expert'. In fact, I watched the credits at the end to see what his official title was:

Terry Nutkins

Not 'animal behaviour expert' or 'wildlife consultant' but just 'EXPERT'. He possibly gained this title because everything else about the show was so fucking dumb.

The premise of the show is that some morons decide to live with animals for 4 days, eating what they eat, sleeping amongst them etc. Last nights episode saw extreme sportsman Ed Leigh hang out with a pack of foxhounds, while model Lucy Clarkson decides she wants to be a sheepdog.

My first impression of Lucy was one of pleasant surprise. Here, I thought, was an open minded individual going against the stereotype of the prissy diva, someone willing to get their hands dirty. I was completely wrong. She proudly announced that she was unable to sleep ONE FUCKING NIGHT with the dogs, and wussed off to sleep in a bed at the farmhouse. The next day she was back on camera, with pristine hair and make-up, saying something along the lines off "It was really cold and I'm sure anyone would have done the same as me". Not me cupcake - at this point I was wanting a refund, as she hadn't fulfilled her part of the bargain. Surely she knew the deal when she signed up, and it became clear that far from the open-minded person I thought she might be, she's actually just a media whore trying to get exposure through a shit BBC3 programme (sorry, I mean just BBC3 - you don't need to precede it with an adjective - its already obvious).

Further wussiness came later when she had the option of eating what the dogs were eating (leftover takeaway - not bad by any stretch) but instead she just sat on some hay eating a sandwich, looking mopey. I've never seen a sheepdog sit upright and eat a tuna sandwich, although that would be more appealing to me than this tosh.

Part of Lucy's mission was to work like a sheepdog, so we were presented with the image of a sheep herder shouting things like 'Come by, come by!' while Lucy daintily ran around a field. Following a tough couple of days where Lucy had to:

1. Play with some sheepdogs
2. Eat a sandwich in a barn; and
3. Run around a bit in a field

She decided it was enough and left the show, her shallowness and desire for exposure at any price left intact.

Ed faired much better. He chowed down dogfood, slept with a howling pack AND completed all of Lucy's meagre tasks. Consequently, he only gets 2 lines of this review.

The pointlessness of the show is twofold. Firstly, its in no way scientific. The reason we don't find it easy living with a pack of dogs is that we're human beings and there's no point. You don't need to live with an animal in order to understand that they're quite smelly and uncivilised, and filming it is essentially pathetic voyeurism, which neatly leads onto the 'reality TV' element. Secondly, LUCY CLARKSON IS A FAILURE in terms of what she did on the show, and Terry Nutkins looks increasingly uncomfortable because of the undefined nature of his role ("'Dogs are pack animals' says TV's Terry Nutkins") combined with sweeping shots of Terry stood on some grass. I didn't really see his expert nature showing through, and the presenters seemed stuck in the hinterland between reality TV and a shit nature show.

Really really really fucking poor.*

*Quite good by BBC3 standards.

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